trust

I think I have 

underestimated how much 

TRUST 

impacts my life.

Trusting others.

Trusting a situation.

Trusting myself...

I often find that I lack trust.

Mostly in myself.

I have a lot of doubt when it comes to 

the thoughts I have about something, someone or myself, 

the feelings I have about something, someone or myself,

and the actions I want to take or have taken in regards to 

those somethings, someones or myself.

I have been in the process of trying to gain more trust,

and I have been struggling.

It's a hard task.

Having recently taken a huge risk by 

jumping out of my comfort zone and into a new city

really shook me up.

When I arrived, my housing unfortunately fell through,

and am unfortunately out a good chunk of change as a result,

so I have been couch surfing and trying to find

a more permanent place to lay my head.

Being so unsettled in terms of having a place to call my own

turns out is a very big deal to me,

and I really had no idea.

The insecurity I feel in not having a place to call my own

is at times overwhelming 

and can make me quite sad.

I came down here primarily to explore my 

desire to create and be involved in music.

So what have I done over this month?

Squat.

 Though I have a GREAT excuse,

and have been genuinely disenchanted by the housing situation,

I recently acknowledged how I have been resigned to 

not doing anything to pursue that dream of mine because it 

seems just too hard.

Man.

And so I'm moving around. And I'm unsettled.

I'm not trusting myself. I'm doubting my decisions.

I'm feeling weak and insecure.

I'm doubting my ability.

And to make all of this that much worse,

recently someone so extraordinarily close to me betrayed my trust.

It makes all of the doubt and the distrust and the criticism 

I have been shooting at myself, 

like spiny, poisonous arrows,

now feel like they are lit on fire,

and aimed directly at my vulnerable spots.

Heart. Eyes. Hands. Abdomen. Knees.

To say I feel defeated is an understatement. 

And to say I lack the energy to lifting myself up

is just as hilarious.

I am turning 30 in 3 days.

So much to look forward to,

yet so much hanging over me.

I am so grateful for being an optimist.

Though I find myself at times being so caught up in what I am experiencing,

which recently hasn't been all that great,

I forget to remember how things have a way of coming up 

(champagne, chocolate and ultimately) 

roses. 

I know things will get better.

And in order for them to do that,

I need to be kinder to myself.

I need to be gentle to myself.

I need to remember that I am not perfect,

and neither is anyone else.

And most importantly,

I need to trust myself.

Love,

liz xo